“You can recognize survivors of abuse by their courage. When silence is so very inviting, they step forward and share their truth so others know they aren’t alone.” -Jeanne McElvaney
Although when it first occurs many believe relationship abuse is an isolated incident and that it won’t happen again, it is in fact a cycle that can be very difficult to escape. Relationships that become abusive don’t necessarily start out that way. They can start as many other relationships do: in the honeymoon phase.
The first stage of most relationships, including abusive ones, is the honeymoon phase. This is when things are usually going well, partners are getting to know each other, and the relationship is new and exciting. After this stage, a relationship can move into the calm stage. This is when things are still going well, but the newness of the relationship has worn off. Then there is the tension building stage. This is where non-abusive and abusive relationships differ. In a healthy relationship, tension may build and there may be conflict; however, it is resolved through conversation and compromise. In an abusive relationship, the tension building stage ends in an abusive incident, the fourth stage. Any type of abuse could occur in this stage: physical, sexual, emotion, technological. After the abusive incident occurs, the reconciliation stage occurs. This is usually when the abuser apologizes for the abuse, and makes promises that it will never happen again. Unfortunately, these promises are not legitimate, and are usually just ploys to convince the other person not to leave the relationship, as the ultimate goal of an abuser is to gain control. As this is a cycle, the relationship will then return to the honeymoon or calm stage, and continue again through the cycle. Eventually, the honeymoon, calm, and reconciliation stages get phased out and the relationship constantly remains in the tension building stage where the victim is walking on eggshells and afraid for their safety, and then the abusive incident stage when abuse occurs.
The beginning stages of a relationship build a connection between partners that makes it extremely difficult for victims of abuse to leave the relationship. It is important to remember that warning signs usually occur during the honeymoon and calm stages of the relationship, and it is in these stages that one should pay particular attention to them, before a relationship becomes serious and involved, making it much more difficult and dangerous to leave.
Until Next Time,
Lindsey Slama