Why Don't They Just Leave?

“Why don’t they just leave?” “How could you allow someone to do that to you?” “I would never put up with that.” If you are a survivor of relationship abuse, you have probably heard all of these numerous times, and that is understandable. Abuse is a challenging thing to understand if you have never learned about it or haven’t experienced it yourself. Although the person saying these things is usually well intentioned and just wants to help, it is important to understand and know that these questions and statements can be painful for someone who is experiencing abuse to hear, as they direct blame on the victim and downplay how difficult it is to leave a relationship.

So, why don’t survivors of abuse leave their abusers? Well, it is a complicated question that can have different answers depending on the individual; however, there are some common answers that seem to be at the heart of the issue. An abusive relationship is still a relationship, which means that there are usually strong feelings of love and caring involved. This paired with an abuser’s ability to give convincing apologies can make it extremely difficult to leave a relationship. When you love someone, even when they hurt you, it can be challenging to accept that there comes a point at which love isn’t enough, and your safety and well-being have to be the priority, even if that means ending the relationship. Along with these intense feelings, a survivor of abuse can also feel fear: fear that if they leave their abuser will hurt them or the people they care about, fear of being alone, fear of what their friends and family will say. For these reasons and many others, leaving an abusive relationship is very difficult, which is why you should never judge those who are struggling to leave one.

At some point in your life, chances are you will either know someone who is experiencing or has experienced abuse, or you yourself will be a victim. Instead of asking these blaming questions or judging yourself for having trouble walking away, seek understanding and be supportive. You can provide resources, or just be a good listener. Ask questions like “How are you feeling?” and “Is there anything I can do to help?”. With these supportive questions and a sense of understanding, we can help those who are experiencing relationship abuse feel less isolated, and can provide them with a much needed support network to help them navigate the turbulent waters of an abusive relationship.

Until Next Time,

Lindsey